The beauty of a new day

It’s that interesting time of the year when people spring forth into another year with hope & good tidings and sweep the bad taste of the previous year under wherever it chooses to disappear. 2014 has been just yet another continuum of time sealed in a capsule. Another year with challenges and opportunities which were set before me where relationships developed, evolved and just plain vanished. I’m going to make it about me in 2015, because only when I become a better me can I share the benefit of that with others. My Creator: Thank you for the precious moments that I physically felt your hugs in the wind, your smile in the sunshine and your breath in the very moments where I thought I couldn’t go on. I cherish our conversations and your still yet powerful voice when I needed fuel for my soul. In 2015 I vow to be still and let go so that you can do your thing in my circumstances. My Husband: Thank you for the years that has stretched me to grow from the girl that I was to the woman that I never imagined that I could become. One of the greatest gifts you have given me is the capacity for forgiveness, endurance, patience and acceptance. In 2015 I vow to be simply a better me for you. My Children: Thank you for smacking me back to reality to understand that superwoman really is just a superhero and it’s ok for me to be the “imperfect mom” In 2015 I vow to be more in your space – but only in a good way :-) My Parents: Thank you for instilling in me integrity, honesty and contentment. I appreciate all the support that enabled me to do the things I only dreamed of, and to further validate that family is all I have. In 2015 I will strive to be the daughter that I was created to be in your lives My Sister: Thank you for filling every role in my life that I needed at every opportune moment. In 2015 I pray that you be a little bit selfish and I hope I can be half the sister you’ve been to me. Zaitun Peace: Thank you for blessing me with another sister and for making friendship so refreshing again. In 2015 I’ll pay it forward to you. Me: To be continued………………. So as 2015 brings in its "freshness" I anticipate pitfalls and springboards while I continue the journey to growth and fulfilling my purpose. If you happen to be reading this, I hope you see each day as brand new and enter each day full of hope and good tidings! Godspeed

Irreconcilable Differences

When I was a child I thought and acted like a child, now….

The first time I heard the words “irreconcilable + differences”, it was used in the context of a divorce. I remember thinking really? That surely must be a nice way of saying I don’t want to put up with your behind anymore. Well it turns out that legally it is; and much more than that, it avoids all the mudslinging that people engage in during divorce wars.

In my mind, reconciliation is a coming together of differences to create harmony. The nature of my day job allows me to get a lot of practice reconciling accounts. Let’s keep in mind that an unreconciled account is merely symptomatic of a dysfunction or malfunction. Account reconciliation is a fairly simple process- obtain the data and information from 2 or more sources, understand how they relate to one another, ensure that the numbers tie out, and if they don’t highlight the reconciling items with a plan of action and timeline to resolve. Now, if only that process is just as simple when it applies to people!

We have irreconcilable differences in all our relationships; I’m talking about deep rooted issues stemming from differences that have gone unresolved for too long, such that a simple question such as “how was your day?” or a comment like “the weather is nice” turns into world war III.  These differences I speak of extend beyond those that we have with spouses, it’s also with siblings, parents, friends, other relatives- but the success of any depends on how badly we wish to put the work in to create harmony. Work means patience, understanding, empathy and the awareness that while we may all have issues, we all deserve some peace and happiness. At some point in my life, my naïveté led me to believe that there are no differences that cannot be reconciled.  I have come to the realization that “irreconcilable differences” are real, and no matter how much you cherish or love the people and relationships with these differences, some relationships are for a time or season. If the people you’re involved in are not able to put in the work, or you are unable to do the work in your relationships to come to a place of harmony, do your soul some good and walk away. Love or loyalty are no excuses for you to violate your soul.

When I was a child, I thought and acted like a child hoping and firmly believing that all differences can be resolved. Now I am grown and I realize that all I can do is desperately do the work to come to a place of harmony, and when all else fails I can walk away.

My hope for you is that you get the wisdom to recognize irreconcilable differences, the strength to walk away and the courage to love your soul.

Wishing your soul peace and harmony.

The Nigerian Workout Playlist

I have not blogged in a while or I should say I have a plethora of unfinished blogs- Ok so maybe I’m exaggerating but I have more unfinished blogs than I would like to admit. As frustrating as that is, I understand that is has been beacuse of my state of mind lately – confused, unsettled, unable to explain many things especially other people’s actions and mostly ending up with incomplete thoughts filled with asterisks, exclamation and question marks. The last 4 months have been a whirlwind of events happening to me and at me and I having NO control of the situation; only helplessly and hopelessly looking on to see where the dust settles- so far it has not settled well, and the jury is still out on where the other things pending may land. One thing I am thankful for is that things are settling and I am getting some clarity and direction back in my life. The experiences taught me yet again how important it is to be in good health spirit, soul and body. I lost all three during this period and I’m slowly nursing me back to good health on all 3 dimensions.

They say if you put words out in the universe it gives it life and it comes to pass and since I am a firm believer here goes- I have committed to taking care of my body again a vital part of which has been a consistent (I hate that word) and frequent workout routine- and so far so good. In what feels like another lifetime I succeeded at consistently (arghh) and frequently working out and I tried to re-visit how I was able to do it. It finally came to me; it was the beautiful gift of music that stuck by me even when I was angry at my muscles at 5am in the morning for not cooperating with my determined mind. Music literarily spoke to me and catered to both my physical and mental sensibilities. The following are my top 10 Nigerian work out tunes- rain,shine or any weather they get me going.

1)     ”Revolution”- Iyeoka – usually at the beginning of my workout and marries my love for spoken word and music. The tempo is just perfect and it serves as my war chant for the 40- minute feat that I am about to attempt.

2)     “5 Minute Freestyle”- MI- feat Djinee- Great Tempo leading me further into my war zone. By now I’m almost a quarter way there and it’s a great distraction

3)     ” Bosi gbangba ” -Eldee  - By now I need some pep in my step and this hits the spot

4)     ” Dat Ibo Boy” –Illbliss- One of my all-time favourite Nigerian artistes and I love the tempo

5)     ” Street credibility” 9ce and Tuface-. I suddenly feel invincible believing every lyric and I have a constant image of Rocky jogging up the steps of the Philadelphia Museum of Art only this time it was not Rocky it was me.

6)     “Kolomental”- Faze- At this point I’m cursing myself for doing this thinking how insane I must be for doing this, yet feeling some rush to keep going

7)     “You go wound!”-Illbliss, Kel, Tha suspect- By now, I just want to give up and it’s a warning to myself about what could happen to me if I keep at it. It’s also a not so subtle warning to anyone that tries to engage me in corporate America shenanigans that day because I am never in the mood for it.

8)     “Ota mi”- Eldee- At this point it’s just expletives in my head directed at anyone really-such pain!

9)     “Ojuri”-Nomoreloss- Finally, the tempo starts to slow down and I start to have a pity party for myself for the torture I just put my body through. (Ojuri means the things I have been through)

10)  “Send down the rain”- Majek Fashek- Finally the last few minutes that signal the end of this ordeal. All I can imagine it a cool soothing rain – never mind that I am drenched in my bodily fluids filled with salt – imagination is a powerful thing thankfully!

At the end of it all it's a worthy venture and I give myself a pat on the back. Not sure how long this will last, but I’m trying not to think about that. As with all the crazy things going on in my life now, I’m learning to take one step at a time, one day at a time and one hurdle at a time. Whatever you may be going through, one is the magic number so I encourage you to strive to stay whole and healthy spirit, soul and body.

The Lance in all of us

Much to my amazement I watched the 1st part of the 2 part interview that Lance Armstrong did with Oprah Winfrey. There was a reason that I sacrificed watching my reality shows for this. To be honest, I couldn’t really care less whether Lance had doped or not. I’m not really a cycling enthusiast and outside of the fact that he was the face of the yellow wristband, and had been through the viciousness called cancer I had never paid too much attention to the goings-on in his life mine kept me busy enough. I simply wanted to understand the story behind the story. I was curious about 2 things – why had he held on to the lie for so long and why was he coming out to tell the truth now? I passively listened to his admission of many of the facts that we’d already heard about but intently honed in on the screen as he spoke about why he lied and what it felt like to be living a lie. I’m not in the business of playing the guessing game at what really lies in the heart of man so it is not my place to determine whether or not his admission was borne out of the selfishness to garner sympathy or whether it was good old altruism in motion. I am in the business of saying how I feel however and I will say I felt a deep compassion for him as the unravelling of Lance Armstrong continued. He talked about how the same drive and determination to beat cancer also meandered its way into beating other competitors (never mind for now that he was doping before the illness), how as he built this lie it became his truth, how he didn’t feel he was cheating by doping and when finally he was almost ousted he figured that the story had been so perfect that he wanted to keep it that way. I realized then that I wasn’t watching just Lance Armstrong but I was watching any one that claims to be human. How often do we often start up with insecurities that cause us to reject the notion of overcoming and instead illuminate only the weaknesses in us whilst using our strengths in  the most vile and corrupt ways. We build these stories that we want the world to see about our families, finances, careers, lifestyles; stories about us that seem too good to be true because they are. We then perpetuate this stench by betraying our inner man as well as others in this selfish and futile attempt to ensure that this story becomes oh so real. As Mr Armstrong alluded to he is deeply flawed- and might I add just like the rest of us. I encourage you today to embrace your flaws, channel your strengths wisely, uncover the inner man and listen to him knowing that the story that you tell may not be picture perfect but in the end gives you peace.

The secrets and hidden treasures of Facebook

Ok, so I admit I am a people watcher. Maybe there’s something in my personality or perhaps formed by my environment or both, but I enjoy observing how people engage and interact with one another. I have always been interested in people and how their minds work so not sure how I ended up as a bean counter, but back to people watching. Facebook has given me yet another platform to do this. There have been studies on the effect of social media such as Facebook on social capital. Some have concluded that Facebook users that frequently post messages and/or pictures about themselves are narcissistic, others discuss the benefits that accrue to a person’s state of well-being almost as though it is directly proportional to the number of electronic friends they have. While I agree with elements of both conclusions and all else in between, I say enough already to all these studies – these academics they think they can use intellect to explain human behaviour? Let my Facebook users be- How else can people get everyone to know all the mundane details of their lives, or give everyone the opportunity to stalk them by letting all know where they’ve "checked" into? I have to admit I thought nothing of this “check in” phenomenon when I first saw it because I’m not that tech savvy so I assumed somehow Facebook knew this automatically (please do not laugh). I was miffed when I was enlightened that a person had to go through certain steps to take a few precious minutes of their time to click some buttons and give permission to the world to announce to the world their location at a point in time. Speaking of which how come no one’s ever checked into court, or work, or the grocery store, or the mechanic’s workshop? Never mind I was just thinking out loud. I guess the people I meet in these places are just not Facebook users or maybe they don’t live the life that I do. Watching people show their expensive cars and all aspects of luxurious living reminds me of my reality shows. Sometimes I really wisg facebook also had the icons "idc" (I don't care) or better yet "dgad" (don't give a damn) so I could click as many times as I've thought it. For the ones that don’t know I wear the unofficial runner up (only because I don’t have enough time) crown as the undisputed queen of watching reality shows. The reality shows just like many FB users only showcase what they want you to see and develop this story that they know is bound to be entertaining and yet is so far from reality. I am thoroughly entertained. I have found many treasures on Facebook; I experienced music and shared useful information with many, shared my blog, discovered new businesses, reconnected with old friends, seen pictures of friends and family that I am unable to meet up with often enough. So in 2013 I encourage all Facebook friends and users to keep up the great work and do whatever floats their boat on a river that’s full with water from washing only very clean laundry in public, so I can remain entertained and yet again have another platform to people watch and escape into other people’s “realities”

Warning- Identity crisis in progress?

Crap! I’ve been up since 3am and can’t go back to sleep. The battle in my mind just cannot end. I had just been through a phenomenal and experiential 3 day training and that was the beginning of the battle. I decided to purge myself of these thoughts and bring to rest the battle by working through my feelings. It’s funny how our experiences purposefully yet subconsciously form who we become. Growing up, I was taught to watch my behaviour in public and as many Nigerian children your parents many times didn’t have to say too much as long as you understood the meaning behind “the look”; I went to a school where I was told ladies are meant to be seen not heard. It was easy to abide by these rules because as a child I was shy, quiet and an extreme introvert. In my early college days I wrestled through some traumatic experiences that taught me that not only was I very naïve to the acute selfishness inherent in human nature, but that my kindness was interpreted as weakness, my trusting nature was looked upon as foolishness and my love and empathy for people was somehow an invitation to take advantage of me and had become a fertile ground for people to crap on me. People started to tell their stories about me, called me names and violated me physically and emotionally. I was confused, hurt and angry perhaps that my social story was viciously different from my personal story and felt very helpless and frustrated that I couldn’t tell MY story. I reached a turning point when a friend of mine told me that people will talk about you no matter what - good or bad - that’s just what people do. It was very profound I thought and it changed my life- I recovered from the sickness of caring about what people thought about me, was healed from the desperation of wanting to tell my story and finally became comfortable in my skin and allowing (actually realizing how powerless I was) any and everyone to tell whatever story they wanted about me, knowing that only my story was the true story.  Now I think I know why I can’t sleep- the warriors that I faced in my personal life as a teenager have now let out a battle cry in my professional life. Just as I felt in my high school days, I am expected to behave a certain way because I am in a certain position, and just like in my college days some people are telling a story about me because of who they perceive me to be; and perception they say is reality. The big difference this time is that I feel I have something at stake- my reputation as a valuable contributor and hence this strange dichotomy of how I conduct my personal and professional life is born. I’m supposed to show up- but did you not pay attention when I walked in the room? I’m supposed to be more visible but wait I’m the above average height lady with no hair and shall I say a charming smile- I can’t believe you missed that? I’m supposed to make my voice heard? Don’t you know I am a lady and I should be seen not heard?- besides someone else already made the point of what I was thinking and I don’t like to belabour the point! So seriously though to be or not to be that is the question? So I need to answer this question so I can end this battle, move on with my life and finally get some sleep! I choose to be and promise myself to allow the lessons and freedom that I experience in my personal life permeate through my professional life. I will admit that I will need some courage to do this because I know I will constantly be faced with the image of what they say is the “ideal” , and will constantly hear about how I should aspire more to fit into that image, and about the possibilities that lie ahead if I can bite on the bait of living up to the “ideal”; the only problem is I believe “ideal” is merely a mirage. So, in the words of Frank Sinatra “For what is a man what has he got? If not himself, then he has not” So I rest now and can sleep easy as I put the battle to rest knowing that in the end I did it my way. I am now making peace with whatever stories are told about me while knowing the truth about how I have chosen to “show up” and holding on to the joy I feel knowing how much value that I have to contribute and will always bring to the table. My wish for you is that in all your journeys in life you are able to find peace and joy by giving yourself the tremendous gift of being yourself.

Something to believe in

I attended and observed a Nikah (also spelt Nikai) wedding which is the traditional Islamic marriage ceremony. This was actually my second but I didn’t observe the entire ceremony the first time around. There’s something that leaves me just transfixed in each passing moment of a new experience and this was no different. So I was born and raised into a Christian home, and for a while there in my high school days had this passion and zeal for the Pentecostal brand of Christianity. I went to a school with friends that were Muslims, so seeing them pray 5 times a day and break their fast in a communal fashion was nothing new to me. Nigeria’s population after all is about  50% Muslim and 50% Christian.   If you ask me what I am, I will tell you I am a Christian much like I will check “Black” as my option when forced to choose amongst limited options. I say that because as I have grown and matured I have developed a relationship with a supreme being that many call by different names. I have also learnt many things from teachings from other “religions” that have made my life more fulfilling. So back to the Nikah wedding, right after the ceremony ended the party began. I was fortunate to get the seat I did because I think I had the best seat in the house since I was able to observe what I am about to describe. The music starts and the DJ is blaring D’Banj’s “Oliver Twist” and P-Square’s “Chop my money” with people getting into a frenzy on the dance floor,  I raised my head in the space above and I saw people doing the salat (Muslim prayer) and I  admired, actually almost envied them. Such discipline! Such focus! Such reverence for a supreme being! I believe what the world needs from humans is 2 things. First, each person should have belief or faith in a supreme being; second, try seeing if you can gain some insight from what the other person believes, maybe you might learn something but if you don’t just do us all a favour and shut your mouth! I’ve heard that people are afraid of what they don’t understand, so be afraid but shut up!

My supplication is thus: That you are able to open yourself up to other experiences that could add fullness to your life while you hold on to the faith that grounds you and defines your journey in life and thereafter. Until next time- "As-salam Alaikum Wa al-hub” (Peace and Love)