My greatest need

As 2011 wraps up and many send well wishes, I thought about a lot of things and what I wanted the most in 2012. I thought about how much I still miss my motherland (which finally explains why I watch countless plot-less and mindless nollywood movies) but wished that things could be better so that I return to the land that birthed me.

Nigeria, many have said is a failed state but it has been for a long while so that’s no news; what’s news is boko haram. The image I saw on TV yesterday like every tragedy deeply saddened me. The lens were focused on the shell of a woman- she had lost her 4 children and husband to the Christmas day bombings and her only surviving child was made blind by the explosion. She shrugged, and spoke a few words that were filled with emptiness and finally hung her head in hopelessness and resignation- the image was so powerful and it left me wondering. When terrorism spread its evil wings around the globe, I thought “at least not in Nigeria, we love life too much to want to die much less commit suicide via terrorism”- I was not wrong, I was dead wrong. What amazes me is that terrorism unfortunately is not a new threat and any normal functioning government learns from events around the world and plans for the safety of its people. I watched as the Nigerian government asked it's citizens to be "security conscious"- Not only had I never heard such a term before, but the underlying interpretation bugged the heck out of me. Does a country provide security to its people? or does its people just become "security conscious"? But Nigeria is a plan-less nation- and how do you speak of security when a multitude lack basic needs, and a handful indulge lavishly in conspicuous consumption? Maslow’s hierarchy of needs mentions safety as a need, the terrorists seek to rob the world of peace and safety; and in the daily life of the Hebrews they understood the importance of peace which they have in their lexicon of greetings.

I have come to acknowledge my biggest need and the one thing that I want the most in 2012- peace of mind. What constitutes peace of mind varies as do people, but all encompass an eventual tranquil state of mind. Here’s wishing you a peaceful year ahead, a lack of chaos in your lives and most of all peace of mind now and always- Shalom!

The priceless gift

So I say I'm a happy-go-lucky person. “I rarely get offended by others, I feel people cross their boundaries with me and when they do I simply redefine the boundaries and move on.” This worked quite well until it applied to people that are near and dear to me, and with that the verbiage changed. It changed to “I expect that because of our relationship your behaviors toward me will never cause me intentional harm” I had suddenly put them on a pedestal atop which sat this super hero that I named “protector of my emotion” The super power they had was to never hurt me and whenever my emotions turned red on the litmus it was their job to make it blue. As long as my super heroes exercised their super powers, a mere mortal like me did not need to exercise forgiveness. As C.S Lewis puts it “Everyone says forgiveness is a lovely idea until they have something to forgive” I was everyone. For the past few years I have developed an ambivalent feeling toward forgiveness. On one hand I felt I had to be gravely offended for the concept of forgiveness to rear its head, and on the other hand I felt when you love someone and if they love you in return, you cannot gravely offend one another at least not intentionally. Finally this year when my emotional PH turned crimson red I had to come to terms that I harbored resentment toward a “nearer and dearer”. I embarked on a thesis to establish a marked difference between a feeling of offense and that of resentment and at the end of this futile effort I discovered two things; one- offense and resentment are the offsprings of unforgiveness and two- I was foolish to use intellectual prescriptions to cure a condition of the heart.  Once I realized the need to forgive, I moved to level 2 on the war of forgiveness against my superheroes. How do I forgive a repeat-offender, one who feels they have done no wrong or one who does not seek my forgiveness?- that would surely be accepting of the wrong and would be antithetical to everything I believed! Since forgiveness is a universal concept I began exploring what various faiths say about it. In Judaism excerpts from the Tefila Zaka meditation which is recited just before Yom Kippur, closes with the following: ´I know that there is no one so righteous that they have not wronged another’…And just as I forgive everyone, so may You grant me grace in the eyes of others, that they too forgive me absolutely.". In Islam if you offend another you have to commit yourself not to repeat the offense, do whatever needs to be done to rectify the offense (within reason) and ask for pardon of the offended party. In Christianity Matthew 5:7 (NIV) “Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.” These faiths all advocate forgiveness but all require some kind of atonement or apology by the offender. The writings of the Baha’i faith resonated with me the most- "Love the creatures for the sake of God and not for themselves. You will never become angry or impatient if you love them for the sake of God. Humanity is not perfect. There are imperfections in every human being, and you will always become unhappy if you look toward the people themselves. But if you look toward God, you will love them and be kind to them, for the world of God is the world of perfection and complete mercy. Therefore, do not look at the shortcomings of anybody; see with the sight of forgiveness." Although this completely knocks down my superhero fantasy the words spoke loudly to my heart. As MLK junior put it “Forgiveness is not an occasional act; it is a permanent attitude.” So today I make a conscious choice to forgive myself and others, releasing my super heroes of their responsibilities and giving myself the gift of peace and through that a healthy body, mind and spirit. Regardless of your faith my hope for you this Christmas season is that you give yourself and others the priceless gift of forgiveness now and always for it is truly the gift that keeps on giving.

Life happens!

It’s been a particularly challenging year for me as I’m sure it has for many of you. My strength and endurance have been tested, by feelings constantly accosted, my faith questioned and my resolve frequently wavering. I’m learning that the difference between knowledge and understanding is experience. The snapshot of this year has seemed dismal to say the least but the operative word is seemed; because as I watched helplessly as the hurricane called life ferociously made its way through my circumstances that was all I saw. What life seemed like was my reality but the reality is that life happens to everyone. Life brings change and it comes in many different ways to everyone! In my ah-ha moment I awakened to the fact that just like death, Life does not discriminate who it happens to and how it happens but that one thing is guaranteed-Life happens. While many things have changed some things have stayed the same- I still love reality shows, I still have a love-love relationship with food, I still don’t give a rodent’s behind what anyone thinks about my life. In the grand scheme of things it hasn’t been such a hopeless year and while life may have dealt me a few blows of chaos, it’s gifted me with many moments of thankfulness. I am thankful for family, food, friends, music, health, food, family, music, (repetition intended) alone time, weekends and holidays, warm hugs, a genuine smile, a baby’s face, reality TV, the wind blowing through my bald head, humanity, family, food and the very gift called life. I wish you many moments of thankfulness- Happy Thanksgiving!

When it's all said and done!

I was sitting the other day and as is customary of me, my mind wanders to a place that leaves me wondering (no pun intended). I get to this place and I find myself writing my epitaph. I know this is quite macabre but my mind kept on wandering anyway, and what I wanted to write down was this: “Lived life fiercely, fearlessly and touched the lives around her in a profound way” When I “came to” I pondered on this for a moment  and decided to re-write it with the truth as it is today and this is what it read: “Cruised through life desiring much but doing little, wanted desperately to profoundly affect others and kept thinking of a big way to do it, liked living but gave many reasons why she couldn’t live in the moment, knew her passion and made many excuses not to live it” I compared the two footnotes of my life and what a world of difference, and in that time I knew that many things had to change so I made a choice to embark on this journey to consciously re-write my epitaph and this blog is one of the many first steps of my journey. I had toyed with blogging for a long time because I have always had a proclivity to express myself through writing; but I constantly thought- Who cares what you have to say?, It’s not going to be “interesting” enough anyway (whatever that means). I realize now that ‘done is better than good’ (second degree theft from a face book posting) and what I say does matter even though no one else may care to listen (well except for my kids and husband- they better). If you happen to be reading this now, I want to thank you for being a part of my many first steps, for helping to re-write my epitaph, and I hope as I bare my thoughts and feelings that I can in some measure impact your life even in some little way.