Crap! I’ve been up since 3am and can’t go back to sleep. The battle in my mind just cannot end. I had just been through a phenomenal and experiential 3 day training and that was the beginning of the battle. I decided to purge myself of these thoughts and bring to rest the battle by working through my feelings. It’s funny how our experiences purposefully yet subconsciously form who we become. Growing up, I was taught to watch my behaviour in public and as many Nigerian children your parents many times didn’t have to say too much as long as you understood the meaning behind “the look”; I went to a school where I was told ladies are meant to be seen not heard. It was easy to abide by these rules because as a child I was shy, quiet and an extreme introvert. In my early college days I wrestled through some traumatic experiences that taught me that not only was I very naïve to the acute selfishness inherent in human nature, but that my kindness was interpreted as weakness, my trusting nature was looked upon as foolishness and my love and empathy for people was somehow an invitation to take advantage of me and had become a fertile ground for people to crap on me. People started to tell their stories about me, called me names and violated me physically and emotionally. I was confused, hurt and angry perhaps that my social story was viciously different from my personal story and felt very helpless and frustrated that I couldn’t tell MY story. I reached a turning point when a friend of mine told me that people will talk about you no matter what - good or bad - that’s just what people do. It was very profound I thought and it changed my life- I recovered from the sickness of caring about what people thought about me, was healed from the desperation of wanting to tell my story and finally became comfortable in my skin and allowing (actually realizing how powerless I was) any and everyone to tell whatever story they wanted about me, knowing that only my story was the true story. Now I think I know why I can’t sleep- the warriors that I faced in my personal life as a teenager have now let out a battle cry in my professional life. Just as I felt in my high school days, I am expected to behave a certain way because I am in a certain position, and just like in my college days some people are telling a story about me because of who they perceive me to be; and perception they say is reality. The big difference this time is that I feel I have something at stake- my reputation as a valuable contributor and hence this strange dichotomy of how I conduct my personal and professional life is born. I’m supposed to show up- but did you not pay attention when I walked in the room? I’m supposed to be more visible but wait I’m the above average height lady with no hair and shall I say a charming smile- I can’t believe you missed that? I’m supposed to make my voice heard? Don’t you know I am a lady and I should be seen not heard?- besides someone else already made the point of what I was thinking and I don’t like to belabour the point! So seriously though to be or not to be that is the question? So I need to answer this question so I can end this battle, move on with my life and finally get some sleep! I choose to be and promise myself to allow the lessons and freedom that I experience in my personal life permeate through my professional life. I will admit that I will need some courage to do this because I know I will constantly be faced with the image of what they say is the “ideal” , and will constantly hear about how I should aspire more to fit into that image, and about the possibilities that lie ahead if I can bite on the bait of living up to the “ideal”; the only problem is I believe “ideal” is merely a mirage. So, in the words of Frank Sinatra “For what is a man what has he got? If not himself, then he has not” So I rest now and can sleep easy as I put the battle to rest knowing that in the end I did it my way. I am now making peace with whatever stories are told about me while knowing the truth about how I have chosen to “show up” and holding on to the joy I feel knowing how much value that I have to contribute and will always bring to the table. My wish for you is that in all your journeys in life you are able to find peace and joy by giving yourself the tremendous gift of being yourself.
